


Germatouille

by jih3k



Category: One Piece, Ratatouille (2007)
Genre: Cooking, Gen, Germa but it's Ratatouille, POV First Person, Rats
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-28
Updated: 2018-06-28
Packaged: 2019-05-29 22:17:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15082892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jih3k/pseuds/jih3k
Summary: Sanji just really wants to be a cook





	Germatouille

I think it's apparent I need to rethink my life a little bit.

What's my problem?

First of all, I'm a rat. Which means life is hard. And second, I have a highly developed sense of taste and smell.

My father, Judge, happens to be the leader of the Germa 66 Rat Science Military. He has tasked me with sniffing out materials for his many experiments. But all I want to be is a cook.

I have two older brothers and one younger: Ichiji, Niji, and Yonji. They hate that I'm different from them. So the three of them are constantly beating me up for spending too much time in the kitchen instead of collecting.

While my father does not beat me, he is never impressed with what I have to find, snatching it from me without so much as a thank you.

"Now, don't you feel better, Sanji?" he would always say. "You've helped a noble cause. With these materials I can perfect the superhuman abilities of your brothers and sister and make the strongest rat military in the world to take back the North Blue!"

"Noble? We're mad rat scientists, Dad. And our goal is, let's face it, garbage."

My brothers beat me for a few hours for that remark. After every beating they would lock me in the dungeon and I would just cry and read cookbooks.

I had a secret life. The only one who knew about it was my sister, Reiju. She doesn't understand me, but I can be myself around her. One day she found me rummaging through the spices in the castle kitchen. I started gushing about how delicious saffron was.

"Red-Leg Zeff swears by it."

"Okay," she replied wholly uninterested. "Who's Red-Leg Zeff?"

"Just the greatest chef in the world," I beamed. "He wrote the cookbook I always read while locked up in the dungeon."

"Wait. You read?"

"Well, not excessively."

\---

I refused to be broken by my unaccepting family. I ramped up my search for scientific materials throughout the Vinsmoke castle or boat or whatever in order to appease my sewer rat of a father. But at the same time I made frequent stops in the kitchen, to watch the chefs do their thing.

One day, a rather strange-looking creature had appeared before the head chef, Baron Tamago. The creature was furry, but far too large and humanlike to be a rat.

"Gao, thank you for, uh, the opportunity to, um, work here, sir, chef, sir." The lionesque creature stuttered. The head chef was unamused, and merely shoved a bucket and mop in the furry man's hands.

"Bon, we needed a garbage man anyway, soir."

The humanoid lion began to clumsily clean the kitchen, and I watched in horror as he knocked over a pot on the stove. He apparently tried to cover up his buffoonery by adding to the soup. But it was so, so wrong.

He's ruining the soup!

I squeaked and ran over to the stupid creature. When he saw me he let out a loud "Gao!" I tried to fix the ruined soup as furry hands tried to catch me. They succeeded just as I was putting a pinch more salt into the soup to round out the flavor.

The lion placed me in an empty jar just as Chef Tamago came to see what the ruckus was.

"A RAT! Vous, go outside and keel it, s'il vous plaît" he stammered.

I was in a panicked ratty state as I was hauled out of the kitchen and brought to the side of the ship/castle/whatever. The plongeur held the jar out shakily over the water; after a few seconds he brought me back towards his chest, then sighed.

"Gao..." he lamented. "I am a failure."

I nodded, because the rookie lion needed to know the truth. He continued.

"I don't know how to cook, and now I'm actually talking to a rat as if you... Did you nod?"

I nodded.

"Have you been nodding?"

I nodded again.

"You understand me?"

Once again I nodded for this thick motherfucker.

"So I'm not crazy, gao!"

\---

I ended up befriending the lion-man. He told me his name was Pekoms, and he was a Mink or some shit. I tried telling him my name was Sanji but I guess despite him also being a human-like animal was unable to comprehend my rat-speak.

Pekoms was a stubborn bastard, and tried to add his own flair when I attempted to get him to cook actual palatable food that didn't include potatoes.

So I started biting his nipples to get him to shape up. He didn't like that.

"GAAAOOOOO! We've got to figure out something else. Something that doesn't involve any biting, or nipping, or running up and down my body with your little rat feet. You know how to cook, and I know how to appear..."

He paused for a lengthy amount of time. "...Human."

To make a long story short, I found out that I could control him like a meat puppet just by piloting his hair like an Evangelion.

We practiced day in and day out. I used all my knowledge and Red-Leg Zeff's wisdom to whip the lion-Mink-what-the-fuck-ever into a decent cook.

Finally the day came where we could replicate the soup I had salvaged. We put our heart and soul into that shit. Then we called over Chef Tamago to taste our joint creation. The long-legged asshole dipped his chicken tongue into the soup, expecting it to taste like the ravaged asshole of a wrecked bottom slave, but instead his eyes opened wide in delight.

"Congratulations," he snarked. "You were able to INDUBITABLY repeat your accidental success, oui."

Pekoms growled in satisfaction while I laid down in his head-fur and thought about what an amazing chef I am.

Baron Tamago continued, "But you'll need to know more than soup if you are to survive in my kitchen, boy."

What a dick.

\---

Over the next few months, Pekoms and I worked hard in the kitchen. We invented and perfected many a meal. I was on Cloud 9. But then one day I stumbled into my sister, Reiju. She dragged me to see my father.

The reunion with Judge was just as I had dreaded. Only worse.

"My son has returned!" ratty Judge beamed.

"Hi dad..."

We talked about what I had been up to for the past few months, and with every word out of my mouth, his eyes grew narrower, and I could feel the anger growing.

Finally he broke the tension. Facetiously he said, "Well, the important thing is that you're home."

I tensed up. "Yeah, well, about that..."

Judge caught on to my hesitation and jabbed, "You look thin. Why is that? A shortage of food, or a surplus of snobbery?"

I snapped. "Rats. All we do is take, Dad! I'm tired of taking. I want to make things. I want to add something to this world."

Judge's face turned bright red. "Is that so? Then I'll add your sorry ass to it." With that, the mad rat scientist grabbed me by the scruff of the neck and tossed me out of the Vinsmoke castle or boat or seriously what is it?

"You're dead to me!" Judge boomed.

I turned to my imaginary friend Zeff and said "Well, guess I'll try to find the All Blue then, huh?"

Zeff nodded.


End file.
